So where shall I begin? My life before my brother died, my experience of being bereaved by suicide, my work as a researcher, my vision to develop the first suicide bereavement research unit in the UK or my exciting travel fellowship to Australia and New Zealand, kindly funded by Winston Churchill Memorial Trust (http://www.wcmt.org.uk/).
I think a good starting point would be for you to understand my motivation for working in the field of suicide bereavement. So, that’s where I will begin, my experience of being bereaved by suicide.
Like most people, suicide and its implications were not on my radar. However, if I had ever considered this issue, I would have thought that it only happened to other people and their families. I have no doubt that many of you reading this will relate to this view. Sadly, I have learnt from personal experience that this is not the case.
My brother died by suicide on December 29th 1990. He was twenty-nine years of age and left a wife aged twenty-seven, a daughter aged eight, a mother, father, one brother and four sisters ranging in age from twelve to thirty. I was the eldest.
He had never been diagnosed as clinically depressed nor mentally ill, neither had he made any previous attempts, nor shown any overt signs of severe depression. There was no indication of his impending death. His death has had a profound effect upon the lives of all of us, each of us attempting to cope with the loss in our own way. My own experience taught me that the relationship between mother and child, father and child, and siblings, differ in many ways. Therefore, even though family members have all lost the same person, their feelings of grief and sense of loss are quite different. Each member of my family experienced an array of emotions such as denial, shame, shock, anger, distress and self blame to name a few. There was no emotional compass for our loss. All we had was each other. No family to compare with or provision of support. It seems little has changed since my loss.
Personally, I was deeply distressed to think that my brother, who had seemed so well balanced and in control of his own life, had felt that he had no other option than to die. For many months I tormented myself by worrying and wondering how he had felt as he planned his own destruction. Was he crying? Was he angry? And I also questioned why he felt that his only option was to die. Consequently, the question ‘Why?’ dominated my thoughts for a long period, principally, why had he felt that he couldn’t speak to anyone about his distress? The loss of my brother had a profound effect on my assumptive world and that of my family. I also questioned other aspects of life: If we couldn’t predict my brother’s death, what other disasters were in store for us? What other fate awaited us? Would another family member die as a result of self-destruction? Was suicide hereditary? Thus, I realised that for many, in the early stages of suicide bereavement, the world becomes an unpredictable and frightening place.
As time has passed I have worked through my grief. I no longer torment myself about why my brother chose to end his life. I have learnt that this is a fruitless quest and I have learnt to accept what I cannot change. However, I do believe that nobody can possibly understand how it feels to be bereaved through suicide unless they have experienced it themselves. Therefore, if an adequate and appropriate support service is ever to be provided, it is necessary for those bereaved by suicide to find the courage to share their painful thoughts and experiences to enable professionals to acquire a clearer understanding of the emotional pain suffered by those bereaved by suicide.
It is also important to note the vulnerability and needs of professionals who are often anxious and uncertain how to respond to those bereaved by suicide.
I believe that by sharing my personal experiences of loss and my expertise in suicide bereavement, might help to reduce stigma, increase understanding of the vulnerabilities and needs of those bereaved by suicide and increase the confidence of those they come into contact with who they are dependent upon for their sensitivity, compassion and care.
Sharon your words are so true Nobody knows the pain. heartache, torture, searching, we go through after a tragic suicide bereavement. We live with this pain everyday when every one else gets on with their life , we put our mask on and let people think we are okay, but we all know we will never be okay. However while we are searching for answers along our path we come into contact with people who are suffering our pain and we become friends with these people sharing our tragic stories and knowing we are not alone sometimes can numb the pain. xxx
Sharon , I still live with pain after 35 years of loosing my dad, I still know I was not good enough for him to keep him alive xxxx
Dear Norma, I hope my blog didn’t upset you. I know a lot of people describe wearing a mask to portray to others that they are coping. I am hoping that my blog will also be read by health professionals and front line staff so that they can gain an insight into the difficulties those bereaved by suicide suffer.
I totally agree that meeting others bereaved by suicide is important as it enables them to realise they are not alone and that there are others that have a true understanding of how they feel. Take care Norma x
Hi Ella
Thank you for your post. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I have no doubt that your dad loved you very much. You must never forget that x
Dear Sharon
Thank you so much for writing and making this commentary public. I found that losing my Dad to suicide five years ago left me in a terrible place. Grief is a hugely lonely emotion and even though you are surrounded by family and friends you feel impossibly lonely. You suddenly realise that it us not the loss of the individual that matters but the relationship you had with them. After five years I am only just moving on to deal with the aspect of suicide and feel that I have a long way to go. Your piece helped me a great deal.
Dear Rachel,
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your dad. You are so right working through our grief can feel so isolating and lonely. Nobody can do it for us. I am encouraged that you are coping much better. It just takes time. Thank you for your kind words about what I had written about my own loss. Those words came from my heart, it wasn’t just an academic piece of writing. I am pleased to hear that it has helped in some small way. Take care, Sharon
Sharon, thank you for writing this. I lost my Dad 7 years ago, and it is so true how family members grieve differently, and unfortunately it can create rifts in relationships, those you need the most when dealing with something like suicide. After someone making a comment to me at my dads funeral about delivering babies to get away from death, I am now a 1st year student training to be a midwife and hope to be able to use my own experience in a way to optimize the care and compassion that is needed to support people in the midst of any major life change x
Dear Alicia, I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your dad and the insensitive way some people have responded to you. People who are hurting often hit out at others. Doesn’t make it right, but sometimes it makes it easier to understand and maybe forgive. I have no doubt that your dad would be proud of his daughter becoming a midwife.